elphabaforpresidentofgallifrey:
what if ducks threw bread back at you
you’d have to duck
this is one of those posts that makes you step back and re-examine your entire worldview
(via hey-its-hannnah-blog)
Two outcomes can come from suicide. Either you end up hurting those that care about you the most, or nobody ends up noticing you were gone to begin with.
And honestly I can’t figure out which one is scarier.
It’s day 6 of the new year and day 7 of the pill and I gotta say, things are becoming clear. Clear that I’m not supposed to be happy all the time. Again, who is? That’s normal. But the more clear everything is, the more fucking useless I feel.
Nobody wants me to die like nobody wants a goldfish to die. Constantly feeding it, tapping the glass, but in the end you leave it alone it its own little bowl while you go live your own life. This goldfish has no reason to live. I have no reason to live if I’m alone. Humans, we are social beings, we NEED people to survive, yet I can’t help but feel awful.
Looking through this fishbowl, I see everyone having a great time. Flush me down the toilet, save me from this pain, and move on with your life. Because for you I’m just a part of your world, but to me, you are my world.
I started taking my medication Zoloft on New Years Eve, if I can remember correctly. They started me off with 25mg and everyday after that was 50mg and I gotta say, the side effects are starting to lessen (hope I didn’t jynx it). School starts tomorrow and I hope I’ll be able to focus and concentrate.
This break- actually no this year has been the worst year of my 17 years of comfy living. The major move, the heart break, the panic attacks, the stress and loneliness, I honestly don’t know what I did to deserve it. But hopefully 2016 will be better. Or at least not as bad as the last year.
But yeah, about the medication. So far the side effects I’ve experience mostly are loss of energy and being sleepy all the time, as well as not being ABLE to sleep. Along with mood swings, loss of appetite, and sexual frustration, these past few days have been nothing like I’ve ever experienced before. It makes me question whether if this is how normal people without depression feel everyday.
It’s crazy to think that I actually made it. Here. To 2016. But I know this feeling of clearness won’t last which is why I’m logging everything down. Hopefully I’ll make it the whole way. Lord help me.
